The Journey Begins

For several months now, I have been in, which some would describe as, a spiritual depression. I have been "going through the motions" of my walk with the Lord; being present at church, present at fellowship group, present at church outings/functions, etc... But the desire, passion, or thirst for a relationship with the Lord has been non-existent. It is rather difficult to express this lack of desire for the Lord, especially when I know in my mind that this is the most important thing in my life. I should be passionately pursuing a deeper knowledge of who God is, what He has done for me, and what He desires for me as one of His children.

I can say, however, in the past few weeks, this depression of sorts has gotten somewhat better. I have recently finished my 6th year of teaching, which has given me a huge amount of free time. The tricky thing about free time is deciding what actually to do with it. Does one just completely take advantage of this opportunity to be completely care-free and lazy? Does one try to keep their time structured? As tempting as the care-free option sounds, and I'm sure I'll have numerous days of laziness, I have decided to force myself into the more "structured" mindset. I have decided to commit to 6 weeks of prayer and study of God's Word.

Some would say..."only 6 weeks? That sounds easy." Actually, it does sound easy in thought, but actually putting this thought into practice has already been suprisingly difficult. But with that, I am determinded to get myself refocused, motivated, and back on track spiritually. I have no idea what this 6 week journey will bring, if it will "do the trick," but I am willing to find out. I desire for this time to draw me closer to God, help me better understand who He is, what He has done for me, and what He desires for me.

As a way to hold myself accountable, I have decided to document my journey in this blog. I have never really understood the popularity of blogging, but have decided to give it a try. I am using it as my "accountability partner." I have to stick with my studying/prayer time in order to document my journey in this blog. So, since I don't want to feel like I am "dropping the ball," I am using this as my public journal. If for whatever reason, someone happens across this blog, maybe they will find comfort, be able to relate, share thoughts, ideas, share experiences in how they have struggled and perservered in their walk with the Lord.

So, as I begin, I have chose a study of the book of Ephesians (By His Wounds You Are Healed by Wendy Hoger Alsup), which was suggested to me by a good friend. Thank you Katherine! I have just started reading this book and it has already brought up some great areas to reflect on...

• "We can quote the gospel. We know it, but we do not always use it. We talk about it, but we often do not apply it."
• "Do you walk daily believing his punishment on the cross has bought your peace, and by his wounds we are healed?"

I know that Jesus came and died on the cross for my sins. But do I truly, in the depths of my soul believe that my sins have been washed away (as David talks about in Psalm 51)? It is so easy to hold onto all of the guilt, fear, and/or shame that comes along with sin, but Jesus has wiped this all away. Do I truly believe this or do I allow doubt, society, Satan to blur my beliefs? If I were to be completely honest, I would have to say that I do allow these things to get in my way of fully believing in what Jesus has done for me. As Psalm 51:3 says... "For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me."

I can only pray now for God to "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me." (Psalm 51:10-11)